Making Peace with Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is an important holiday celebrating those who sacrificed and nurtured us to make us who we are today. It is also the day we moms look forward to being recognized, in small ways, for the impact we have had on our favorite humans. Unfortunately, for some it is bittersweet, even debilitating, and stirs up nothing short of a sense of dread.
Motherhood Can Be Painful
You may have had a wonderful mom but lost her to dementia or even death. Possibly you never knew your mom, she abandoned you or you had a mom who was ill-equipped to raise children, even to the point of abuse.
You might have always wanted children of your own but for whatever reason were denied that blessing or did raise children only to be estranged from them in later years. Worse yet, you were shattered by the death of a child. All of these are crushing examples of how motherhood can disappoint, even devastate, so much that you would like to get rid of this holiday for good. If this is you, I would not deny you have the right to feel intensive pain on a day that is dedicated to the celebration of motherhood but, for your own sake and that of those around you, consider an alternative to boycotting Mother’s Day.
My Story
Mother’s Day used to stir up a lot of anxiety. It was a day that I knew I would not meet expectations, no matter what I did. If I gave my mom a gift, it was never what she wanted. If I didn’t give her a gift, I was a greater disappointment. I agonized over the card aisle to find something that was “good enough” but not a lie. To be honest, every Mother’s Day I grieved the relationship that I wished I had with my mom and couldn’t wait for it to be over for another year.
Seven years ago, I thought I had the ultimate Mother’s Day gift. I wrote a blog about my mom and my two mothers-in-law, talking about valuable lessons I had learned from each of them as “mentor moms”. Even my sister commented that it was “gracious” toward my mother. I went to see my mom shortly after it posted and I asked if she had read it. She said she had not and furthermore, had no interest in reading it. That was hurtful. Later that day, she quoted my blog and I said “Ha! You did read it!” At that time she dressed me down saying she was ashamed of me and the blog and that “No one cares what you think. You are just airing dirty laundry on that blog and need to stop”. It was over a year before I posted again and I have been sporadic since, even after she passed away. I write all the time, it is therapeutic, I just don’t post because her voice is always present.
Every Mother’s Day since, I rehearse this exchange with a sense of shame. I know that I have a choice to continue to let my mother’s voice dominate me but I also know she was wrong. I must choose to believe my own heart and the voices of many loved ones that say I actually do have something of value to share.
In her final years, I came to understand my mom better. I now believe she tried and did the best she could with the tools she was provided. Her own childhood trauma and what I believe was an undiagnosed mental illness made it difficult for her to nurture anyone. I do have fond childhood memories, no one is all bad or all good, but there is a special kind of hurt that only a hurting person can inflict on others, especially vulnerable children in their care.
So, That Happened. Now What Are You Going to Do?
All of that is to say, I get it. It is easier to just point to the moment(s) we were broken and say “I’m done!” But I know we were made for more and we are made of stronger stuff than this. It is time to be at peace with Mother’s Day (and our mothers) because the world is desperate for us to be great mothers. It is hard to do this if we are lost in a grief spiral.
Change the Narrative
Why do we let the least healthy person in our lives be the voice inside our heads? I’m pretty sure it is an effective tool of the devil. We need to consciously seek out healthy people we respect, even if they didn’t give birth to us, to speak truth into our lives. If you put your mind to it, you will realize that multiple women in your life have “mothered” you. Think of a mentor who has made an impact on your life that was nurturing, sometimes challenging, and has helped make you who you are today. This could be another relative, a teacher, a pastor, a friend, a friend’s mom, a co-worker, etc. Consider sending her a card, note, text or phone call on Mother’s Day. Let this now be the example of motherhood that you contemplate every year. Instead of short-changed, I think you will start to feel blessed!
Be the Cool Auntie
If you have a nurturing hole in your heart, fill that hole with the plethora of children needing support who are already in your sphere of influence. The obvious first choice would be nieces and nephews, if you don’t have those, reach out to the children of your friends or kids / teens in your church, a local shelter, Big Brothers & Big Sisters, etc. All children, even those with great parents, need a variety of adults speaking life into them. You don’t have to spend a lot of money or plan big events, just let them know they matter. Little things add up to a lot!
The World is Waiting
Not only do you need to heal for your own peace of mind, but our world is desperate for direction, nurturing, gentle correction, encouragement and all the other foundations of motherhood. Don’t leave our young people to seek healthy life skills in TV shows, movies or, heaven forbid, social media. Statistics support that in recent decades while birth rates have declined dramatically, the traditional family is declining even faster. Meanwhile our youth are becoming ever more anxious. You can be the change. It is time to get back to a secure and firm foundation and mothers are at the core but first you have to be healthy enough to be a part of the solution and not exacerbate the problem. You are worth working on!
Love Like a Mother
Real mothers love selflessly. Share your heart with young people. Forgive your own mother or look for guidance in mentor moms who can fill that role for you. Don’t be stingy with your love but be wise in giving your heart to people who will honor it. Mother’s Day is just one day a year, make peace with it and peace will find you.
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Coping Ideas While You Are Healing:
· Pray about it, ask God to take your pain and show you that you deserve love and can give love without fear.
· Feel your feels. Acknowledge how you feel and actually name the feelings: sad, angry, hurt, confused, betrayed, abandoned, etc.
· Talk to a trusted friend who understands the tenants of healing and recovery.
· Opt out of social media for a day or two, if it is too painful to see happy, healthy relationships. It is okay not to torture yourself and they will never know if you saw their posts or not.
· Decline invitations if they make you miserable. Bow out gracefully, celebrate their right to celebrate but respect your own right not to.
· Honor your feelings. If you lost someone, talk about them, light a candle, plant a rosebush, look at old photos and remember happier times.
· Don’t put off a plan. Decide up-front how you are going to spend the day otherwise you will just wallow in misery when it finally arrives. Meet with a friend or two, go for a hike, volunteer. Just don’t sit alone at home spiraling.
· Seek help from a professional. There is something so freeing about sharing your pain with someone who doesn’t have a dog in the fight and can give you real insight and healing.
· Find space for gratitude. Celebrate growth, big and small wins. Write them down in a journal so you have something to go back to when you are having a difficult day in the future.
Disclaimer: I am not a counselor, nor do I pretend to be. I am just a Diva trying to figure things out and share my life with others who are doing the same. It’s OK to disagree with me, it’s even OK to say so. What I want most is to start a conversation on healing and let you run with it. Be blessed my beautiful Divas!