I Don't Need Bubbles to Like Me
My grandmother used to have a dog named Bubbles. Though I truly love chihuahuas now, I used to think they were kind of awful because of this particular one. Bubbles loved my grandmother and was affectionate to her but with everyone else she was... well… fickle. Most of the time she would just as soon bite you as look at you. You would think my siblings, cousins and I would have stayed clear of her but for some reason, we all wanted Bubbles to like us.
We figured out the secret path to Bubbles' heart, SNACKS! As long as you had something she wanted she would be nice to you. If you were eating anything, she would sidle up to you and even let you pet her. Excitedly, we would announce to the other kids "Look, Bubbles likes me!" Of course, as soon as the snacks were gone, so was Bubbles, generally with a parting snarl or a nip.
Why did we want such a mean little dog to like us? I honestly don't know. Maybe it was the challenge? Maybe it was because it would make us feel “special” because she hated everyone except Grandma? For me, the better question should have been did I like Bubbles? The answer was No! So, why did I care if she liked me?
Could it be that my obsessive need for approval extended even to a mean little chihuahua? Yikes! I'm embarrassed to even face that possibility, but I really don't have a better answer. This has been a challenge that has plagued me my whole life. I am a people/dog pleaser!
Different Day, Same Bubbles
I got to thinking about Bubbles because she reminded me of the dynamic I had with a person who was in my life a few years ago. We will call her “New Bubbles”. She seemed to be my friend as long as things were going her way and then, WHAM! She would turn on a dime. She would be downright mean in an astonishing way, and I rarely knew why. I tried to talk to her to "clear the air". To my face, she would say things were “fine” and then I would find out she was talking behind my back, twisting truth and even making things up for the sake of drama.
I'm not going to lie, even as a mature woman it hurt my feelings. I wanted to fight back but I didn’t know what I was fighting. I wanted justice; for her to acknowledge how she had wronged and misjudged me. I would go out of my way to try to understand her and win her over. She would be nice to me whenever I had something she needed then go back to her back-stabby ways. Then I would let my feelings get hurt all over again.
Ah Ha! Moment
This is when Old Bubbles came back to mind. If that mean little dog were somehow resurrected and back in my life again, I would not waste my energy (or snacks) on her. So, why would I waste my energy on New Bubbles? I honestly didn’t have enough time to really enjoy the people who treated me well, so why would I waste any of it on someone who was not capable of mutual respect? More to the point, I did not like how New Bubbles treated me so why would I care if she liked me?
Like everyone else, from birth I was taught to “be nice”, which I am not refuting. This is a foundation of my faith and a cornerstone of a healthy society. Romans 12:18 says; “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Sure, the Bible also tells us to “turn the other cheek” when someone strikes us. Contextually, this was more about an imbalance of power in that day and how to peacefully regain some control, if only over yourself. I do not believe we are called to be abused. Proverbs 22:10 says: “Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease”. In Proverbs 48:1, we are told “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”. What I get from these passages is that we don’t have to put up with abuse, but we are also not supposed to make it worse by vengeance or fighting back.
New Bubbles wasn't evil. I had seen her in good moments when she was funny and could even be kind. I don't doubt that New Bubbles was acting out of insecurity or some hurt in her past. If she ever wanted to take accountability for her actions, I would have listened to her and encouraged her in her healing journey, with boundaries.
New Bubbles and I were in a place where we had to interact but we did not have to be close. I was cordial but limited my exposure. I'm sure she didn't even know (or care) that I had this epiphany, but it was a huge step for me. Through prayer and lots of solid self-talk, I had to understand I could not control what she thought or said about me. Whatever she said about me revealed her character, not mine.
I also didn’t need to fuel the fire by brooding about it or talking about her behind her back which, to be honest, I sometimes did. I still had work to do.
I know I should be old enough to not let the Bubbles of this world get to me. Breaking down unhealthy patterns is a life-long process and I'm just glad that I got there eventually with New Bubbles. With every little victory in life, I get stronger and smarter and let those Bubbles just float away.
Why is People Pleasing a Bad Thing?
It just shows how nice you are, right? That is what I used to tell myself, “I’m just a nice person and everyone takes advantage of me”. While I do strive to be a nice person, I had to face the fact eventually that I was a people pleaser because I NEEDED people to like me. In my case, it stemmed from a chaotic childhood where if I fell out of line, spoke up, or just had a bad day, there was hell to pay. I learned early on that there was safety in keeping others happy.
Turns out I am not always nice; I sometimes want to please people so they will not hurt me. When I was a small child with no voice and no power, that made sense. Now I am a fully grown woman who has a voice and can stand up for myself. This trauma response is no longer necessary and is, in fact, harmful to myself and to the development of those closest to me.
Lighting Yourself on Fire to Keep Someone Else Warm
There is a fine line between being nice and people pleasing. When presented with an opportunity to do something for someone else, ask yourself if you feel good about being helpful/kind or do you feel pressured? Is this a reasonable request? Is the cost to you worth the effort, or is it to your own detriment? If you feel in your gut this is what you want to do, feel free to be a nice person. If not, feel free to decline, you are still a nice person. Then don’t beat yourself up or ruminate on it, even if they get huffy.
Ways to Fight People Pleasing
Pray about it. First step on any journey is to pray about it. Ask God to help you navigate, correct course, and fortify you. You would have fixed this problem years ago if you could do it in your own strength. Great news is that God has an unlimited supply and will give it to you if you only ask.
Set clear boundaries. You don’t have to express them to the other person, but you might need to depending on how close the relationship is. If you do tell them what you are doing, let them know that you are working on your own healing and that healthy boundaries are required. DO NOT tell them that you are doing this because of their lack of respect and meanness. That will only start a fight and could, perhaps, create a challenge for them to further break down your boundaries.
Start small. Build up your confidence in small ways. Maybe start with people who are less threatening before you move up to your personal Bubbles.
Remember “No.” is a complete sentence. If you can’t (or don’t want to) do something, don’t overexplain. You can just say, “No.” If they take your answer as an invitation to negotiate, just repeat yourself; “No.” You do not have to validate yourself to everyone.
Develop a mantra. Make it simple, something like, “I matter too” or “My worth is not dependent on everyone liking everything I do”. Use a phrase that resonates with you. Write it down and stick it to your mirror or desk monitor and repeat it to yourself whenever you feel you are slipping into people pleasing.
Be accountable. Find a counselor, recovery minded friend or mentor who you can talk to when (not if) you slip up. Talk about what led to the action so you can learn from it and develop your resolve. When you are not sure what side of the line you are on, ask them for perspective.
Give yourself a break. I know I say this in every blog; it is because it is important. You are breaking down strongholds that have stood for most of your life. They don’t come down in a day because you read a scripture, book or blog. Seek progress, not perfection.
Celebrate victories. No matter how big or small, pat yourself on the back when you win a battle. Find someone you trust that will understand how difficult this is and let them celebrate with you. It is not bragging, it is reinforcing.
Disclaimer: I am not a counselor, nor do I pretend to be. I am just a Diva trying to figure things out and share my life with others who are doing the same. It’s OK to disagree with me, it’s even OK to say so. What I want most is to start a conversation on healing and let you run with it. Be blessed my beautiful Divas!