Do I Have to Heal?
Is Pain Your Friend?
Healing is hard work and not everyone is up for it.
Like most people my age, I was raised to keep my business to myself. We did not “air our dirty laundry”. If you talked about what goes on behind closed doors, you were an “embarrassment to your whole family”. Abiding by these rules contributed to my willingness to stay in a bad situation for more years than I needed. It created a sense of isolation and shame that stunted my healing for quite some time.
Clearly, I’ve gotten over that, much to my mother’s chagrin. I also think the world has changed drastically since my youth. For the most part, I’m glad, people have never been more free to give voice their darkest pain and find liberation… if they chose to. But it can’t end there, speaking up is not the final result, it is just the first step in a very long journey of healing that not everyone is ready for.
Pain is Not a “Get Out of Jail Free” Card
The challenge we face in society these days is that people want to use their past pain as an excuse for bad behavior. They think that because they have been hurt, they can do what they want and expect pity when things go awry. Just look at social media: videos of tantrums, blame shaming and baiting strangers in public may be going a little too far, in my opinion.
Telling Stories
My Favorite thing is to hear Divas tell their stories. Everyone’s story is different, but most have a common thread; they talk of challenges, fears, pain, struggles, etc. and then they go on to share how they conquered these through faith, counseling, support of loved ones, doctors, etc. Who doesn’t love a story of redemption?!?
Every now and then, though, I come upon a soul whose story never gets beyond the pain, misery and lost trust. That’s all she wrote, The End.
This brings to mind a sweet lady; we will call her Gwen. Granted, Gwen faced terrible treatment and abuse throughout her childhood. She had every reason to hurt and wasn’t afraid to tell everyone about it, including online rants. She joined a small group which I was leading. Being recovery minded, the whole group embraced her, showing her love and offering support in navigating her healing path. Gwen said she wanted peace but also announced early on that she knew we would all eventually hurt her. She alternated between dominating group discussions and refusing to speak, holding a sulking posture. She pushed group boundaries and put others on the defensive. When this happened, there was no space for healing, not hers, not anyone else’s. As the leader, I tried to mentor Gwen and tried to manage group dynamics so that everyone could share freely. Gwen rebuffed every attempt by me and the other Divas and eventually left the group; sharing with all who would listen a litany of ways we let her down.
Truth is, Gwen was given a wide berth and plenty of grace but she could not receive it because she not able to move on from her pain. Simply put, she refused to heal and she fulfilled her own prophesy: that we would fail her. She found what she was looking for, offense. The group still prays for her.
What Keeps People from Healing?
This is not intended to be victim shaming but sometimes people may unconsciously sabotage their own healing process. Honestly, my heart breaks for people who have been afflicted with needless pain. My prayer is that Gwen, and so many like her, find the peace they are searching for and deserve.
Trauma manifests differently in each individual and everyone will have their own unique response. People who have faced physical or mental abuse often feel unworthy and may have been told, in words and deeds, that they don’t deserve love, peace or kindness. If this is all they have ever known, it is easy to believe. Below are a few reasons why you or a loved one may not have taken the leap to healing yet.
Lack of Awareness
Some people don’t know that they are experiencing the effects of past pain/trauma. Things like anxiety, depression, co-dependence, hypervigilance, dismissal of personal needs, avoidance of people/places, extreme emotional swings, dissociation, low self-esteem and difficulty in relationships are just a few possible signs that you could be in need of healing. It takes some real introspection to determine if these are a result of nature or nurture.
Devil You Know
Unless you have experienced it, it is hard to believe that some people will stay in an abhorrent situation rather than face the unknown. Fear can be paralyzing, so they stay with what they are familiar with and have tolerated so far. Some may even think that they have been dealt this hand because they are stronger than most. It becomes a weird badge of honor that they may even brag about.
Hurting People Hurt People
When someone is wounded, they may put out all the signals of “don’t touch me” as a defense mechanism. Their pain is a constant reminder to them and they are keenly aware if anyone gets “too close”. They could even become overly combative when facing typical everyday conflicts or even when someone reaches out to help. The challenge is that these walking-wounded must function in society to some degree. They may work, have a family and, because they are lonely, might even let a few friends in. But, there is usually a price to pay. When someone is wounded, they are extra sensitive. Family, friends and co-workers will likely have to walk on eggshells around them, which could cause further wounds for everyone involved.
This is Just How I Am
When someone lives with trauma long enough, it becomes part of their identity. They may even enjoy the sympathy or attention they get and are unwilling to let go of it. Being the chronic victim becomes a comfortable role because they are always the “good guy” in their story. If they let go of this role, they may feel less “special” or not even know who they are anymore.
Shame Factor
Some are told that what happened to them was somehow their fault. The “provoked” the event, or they “made them do it”. They feel a level of shame that makes it difficult to seek help and freedom from their pain because, to some extent, they feel they deserve it.
Loss of Relationships
In some cases, healing requires leaving familiar relationships and feeling like they are abandoning others who are also suffering. These people have a great sense of loyalty, even to the ones causing their pain. If they suffer from fear of abandonment themselves, leaving feels cruel.
If I Forgive / Let Go of My Pain, They Will Win
I’ve seen people live in terrible circumstances just to amplify the fact that they are hurting to make someone else feel guilty. If they put their lives together, move on from the hurt and start to live a victorious life, they fear what happened to them will lose its impact on their oppressor.
Sad fact is that those who are capable of the worst kinds of abuse are rarely introspective. They will likely never feel the remorse they should. For a wounded person to hang on to that hurt and not heal is akin to taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
It’s Too Hard!
There is a significant level of responsibility that comes with healing. It requires vulnerability, taking ownership of their life and will force them to make difficult changes. Change, even positive change, is scary for anyone. For someone who has faced trauma it can be debilitating.
It will definitely take time, maybe the rest of their lives. There are no quick fixes to undo the labyrinth of lies they have been told and no one can do it for them, no matter how hard they try. I’ll be honest, it is a lot of work but aren’t they worth the effort?
So, How Do I Find Peace?
Healing = Faith
If you never heal, you will continue to manifest your pain into all future relationships. You will never know true peace and you may hurt those you love the most. Healing will cost you, but it pays off in ways you can’t even imagine.
First, you have to put your trust in the only One who fully deserves it. Trusting people is hard but God doesn’t just say He loves you, He IS love. He is incapable of NOT loving you.
To not believe you can heal is a lack of faith in God Himself. Test Him, try Him out. Start small and grow your faith. He is big enough withstand your doubt, can handle it if you get upset with Him. It won’t change how He feels about you in any way, ever! When you fall back on old habits, pick yourself up and start again. This is a marathon, not a sprint and His mercies are brand new, every morning.
Secrets to My Success
Believe me, at the time my life imploded, I had no idea what I was doing but I knew enough to cling to God. He led me to several lifelines and lifelong friends. First, I had to admit that my life was out of my control, then I put it in the hands of the only One who could make sense of it. Then I went to work on me. I’m still doing it after 13 years and will keep working at it as long as I’m breathing. Good news is, it gets easier, I promise.
Healing People Heal People
After a bit, I started to see how I might not only feel better about my life, but how God could use my situation to do some good in the world. He gave me compassion and heart for women who are hurting (and willing to heal).
I can honestly say that though I am not glad everything happened, I am glad that I got to see how God could work things out for my good. Now I’m seeing Divas I ministered to ministering to others. I never wanted followers, but I’m pretty excited to develop more leaders. I have honestly found a purpose in my life not in spite of my experiences, but because of them.
Some things that helped me and might help you:
Pray, then pray some more. You are breaking down spiritual strongholds and you cannot do it in your own strength or in the natural world. (Ephesians 6:12)
Reach out to someone you trust, even if it is just one person. Don’t do this alone.
Consider counseling, if you can’t afford it, find a charity that offers counseling. I did this because I was desperate and broke and I don’t regret it. This was one of my greatest blessings and lifelines. Pride has no place in healing.
Find a group of recovery minded people like Celebrate Recovery. Keep going back.
Build relationships with the people who understand the recovery process. They will help keep you accountable and strong when it gets tough. Your loved ones might not understand what you are doing and may even work against you.
Read your Bible daily. Join a Bible study if you are having trouble understanding or staying with it.
Give yourself a break. You will have good days and bad days. Seek progress not perfection!
Educate yourself, find reputable books, blogs, podcasts, videos etc. Be discerning, there are some great ones and some not-so-great ones. Here are just a few books and authors I love:
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes – Lysa TerKeurst
Winning the War in Your Mind – Craig Groeschel
I Thought It Was Just Me (But it Isn’t) – Brené Brown
So the Answer is No
You don’t have to heal. You don’t have to live your best life. You don’t have to find peace, safety, joy and victory. But why wouldn’t you want to?
Disclaimer: I am not a counselor. I am just a Diva trying to figure things out and share my life with others who are doing the same. It’s OK to disagree with me, it’s even OK to say so. What I want most is to start a conversation on healing and let you run with it. Be blessed my beautiful Divas!